And Loving It! gs-6 Read online

  “My exact words, more or less,” Lucky Bucky answered.

  “You haven’t been a murderer very long, have you?” Max said. “You don’t seem to have the hang of it yet. You see, we won’t die unless the bucket drops into the well. That’s the point of having those crocodiles and that boiling oil at the bottom of the well.”

  Lucky Bucky spoke to Guru Optimo. “Show ’em how it works,” he commanded.

  Guru Optimo raised a hand. There was a flash of light.

  The guard began giggling and squirming. And every time he squirmed he loosened his hold on the crank and the bucket dropped an inch or two closer to the boiling oil and crocodiles.

  “Oh, yes, I see how it’s done,” Max said interestedly. “Guru Optimo zopped the guard into thinking he’s being tickled. And, in time, he’ll lose his grip on the crank and the bucket will fall into the well. Very clever. I apologize for calling you an amateur murderer. You’re a real pro.”

  “You’re not a bad victim, either,” Lucky Bucky replied, returning the compliment. “You die real good. What I don’t like is them first-timers-all that yelling and screaming. You must have had a lot of experience at getting murdered.”

  “No, I guess I just take to it naturally,” Max said.

  “Well, have a nice die,” Lucky Bucky said. “It’s getting late. Guru Baby and I won’t wait up for the end. I like him to get a lot of sleep. He’s in training.”

  “Good luck with the tap dancing,” Max called as Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo and the other guards departed.

  The bucket jerked, and dropped a few inches closer to the boiling oil and crocodiles.

  “I knew that someday I’d kick the bucket,” Max said to 99, “but I had no idea that I’d be in it when I kicked it.”

  “You’re sitting on my rudder,” 99 said.

  “I’m sorry, 99. But it’s a little crowded in this bucket. Can’t you tuck your rudder under your horn pipe or something? And, besides, the Staten Island Ferry can’t talk. So be quiet for a moment, please, and let me try to think of a way out of this mess.”

  The bucket dropped again.

  Max spoke to the guard. “You know, if you put your mind to it, you could get over being ticklish.”

  The guard ignored him. Suffering a spasm of giggling he loosened his hold on the crank, dropping the bucket almost a foot closer to the oil and crocodiles.

  “Evidently this is the last chapter in our lives, 99,” Max said. “There’s no way out. I guess I better telephone the Chief and say our final goodbyes.”

  “Ask him if he knows what to do for empty bilges,” 99 said.

  “Yes, all right, I’ll do that.”

  Max wriggled around in the bucket until he was able to reach his shoe phone and remove it. Then he dialed.

  Operator: Could you call back later, Maxie? I’m doing my nails.

  Max: Operator, I’m afraid I’m not very sympathetic. It just so happens that at this instant I am sitting in a bucket with the Staten Island Ferry and we are being slowly lowered into a well that is filled with boiling oil and swimming with man-eating crocodiles.

  Operator: So what help will it be if I ruin my nails?

  Max: Get me your Supervisor!

  Operator: Oh, all right, I’ll take your call. Whom is it you wish to speak to?

  Max: Who, Operator.

  Operator: Who has an unlisted number.

  Max: I don’t know-who does have an unlisted number?

  Operator: What do you mean, you don’t know? You just said yourself that he has an unlisted number.

  Max: Who?

  Operator: Right. So you can’t call him unless you know the number.

  Max: I can’t call who?

  Operator: That’s what I said.

  Max: Operator, let’s start again. Pretend that I just picked up my phone and that you just answered. Okay? Now, connect me with the Chief, please.

  Operator: Don’t you want to talk to Who any more, Maxie? You two have a falling out?

  Max: It’s too personal-I don’t want to talk about it. Just connect me with the Chief.

  (Buzzing)

  Chief: Control. . Chief here.

  Max: It’s me, Chief. I just-

  Chief: Could you call back later, Max?

  Max: Chief! Are you doing your nails too!

  Chief: No, Max, I’m not doing my nails. I’m in a very important meeting.

  Max: Oh. Sorry, Chief. But this won’t take but a minute. I just wanted to say goodbye. You see-

  Chief: Max? You called me to say goodbye?

  Max: Yes. You see-

  Chief: Nevermind the explanation, Max. If that’s all you want-goodbye.

  (a click as the Chief hung up)

  Max: Chief! No! Wait!

  Operator: I’m sorry, sir, but your party does not choose to speak with you.

  Max: Operator, that is not for the telephone company to decide! Get me back my number!

  Operator: Maxie, have a little pride. The Chief doesn’t want to talk to you. It’s over. Forget it. Make a new life for yourself. Find a new interest. Make new friends. Take dancing lessons. Learn to play the saxophone. Ten years from now, you won’t even remember who the Chief is.

  Max: Operator, get me back my number!

  Operator: What number is that, Max?

  Max: The Chief’s number!

  Operator: You still remember him, eh? The dancing lessons didn’t help?

  Max: Supervisor!

  (click)

  Chief: Control. . Chief here.

  Max: Chief, you didn’t let me finish. When I said I wanted to say goodbye, I didn’t mean goodbye for now, I meant goodbye forever. Chief, the fact of the matter is, that mission you sent us on isn’t working out exactly as planned. Instead of us recapturing Guru Optimo, Lucky Bucky Buckley has captured us-that is, two thirds of us, anyway. We haven’t seen V. T. Brattleboro since we landed on the island. But 99 and I are in a bucket that is suspended over a well, and the well is filled with crocodiles and boiling oil, and our bucket is dropping!

  Chief: Then I think you made a very wise decision, Max.

  Max: Decision? What decision?

  Chief: To call and say goodbye forever.

  Operator: You should have heard that story the first time he told it, Chiefy. He had the Staten Island Ferry in it.

  Max: Stay out of this, Operator. Chief, what she means is that Guru Optimo hypnotized 99 into thinking that she’s the Staten Island Ferry. Incidentally, Chief, what do you do for empty bilges?

  Chief: Max, offhand, I’d say that that’s not your main problem. You better worry about getting out of that bucket. Can’t you jump out?

  Max: There’s a guard here, Chief.

  Chief: Maybe V. T. Brattleboro will show up in the nick of time and save you.

  Max: Chief, the first thing he did when we landed on the island was try to kill us.

  Chief: Well, I just don’t have any other suggestions, Max. But don’t give up. Keep thinking. Maybe you’ll work it out. If you do, give me a call and tell me how you did it. If you don’t. . well, don’t bother to call.

  Max: Thank you for those encouraging words, Chief.

  Chief: And say goodbye forever to 99 for me.

  Max: Actually, Chief, 99 may come out of this all right. I’m hoping that when we hit the oil she’ll float.

  Operator: Tell her if she does to contact Ed Sullivan the minute she gets out of the well. He’d be crazy to introduce her from the audience.

  Max: I’ll tell her. Goodbye, Chief. Goodbye, Operator.

  Chief: I won’t say goodbye, Max. I’m sure you’ll think of some way to escape.

  Operator: I’ll say goodbye, Max. I don’t think you could think your way out of a paper bag.

  Max: Supervisor!

  (click)

  Max looked over the side of the bucket into the well. “I thought it was getting a little warm in this bucket,” he said. “We’re only about three yards from the hot breaths of those alligators.”

&nb
sp; “Crocodiles,” 99 corrected.

  “99, if I want to know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator, I’ll go to a better authority than the Staten Island Ferry.”

  The bucket dropped another few inches.

  “It won’t be long now, 99,” Max said grimly, looking down into the boiling oil again. “If you have any last words, now’s the time to speak up.”

  “Tooooot! Tooooot!” 99 whistled.

  “Nicely put,” Max nodded.

  5

  The bucket dropped to below the top rim of the well. Max stood up and looked at the guard speculatively. “I wonder. .” he murmured. “99, if he was hypnotized by a flash of light, why couldn’t he be unhypnotized by a flash of light?”

  “Don’t talk to me while I’m docking,” 99 replied. “Docking is a very tricky business.”

  “If I had a flash of light, maybe I could flash it in his eyes and break the spell,” Max said. “But where would I get a flash of light?”

  “Will you hold still while I’m docking, please,” 99 complained. “You’re rocking the boat.”

  “Sorry, 99. I was shifting around because of that beam of moonlight that’s shining in the dungeon window and hitting me in the eyes.”

  “You made me bump the pier.”

  “I said I’m sorry.”

  “All right. But will you please step out of the way?”

  “Pardon?”

  “My passengers want to get off.”

  “Oh.”

  Max moved. The beam of moonlight hit him in the eyes again. “If I could just figure out how to create a flash of light,” he muttered. “But I can’t think with that light in my eyes.”

  “Will you move again, please. My Staten Island passengers want to board.”

  “Yes. . all right. . Say, would you ask them if they have any idea how I could- The moonlight! Why can’t I use that!” He opened 99’s purse and got her hand mirror from it. Then, holding it up, he caught the reflection of moonlight in it and flashed it against the wall of the dungeon. “Perfect! Now, if I can just flash the light in the guard’s eyes!”

  “Will you fasten your seat belt, please,” 99 said. “I’m about to embark.”

  “That’s an airliner, 99, not a ferry boat.”

  Max flashed the light at the guard, trying to shine it in his eyes. But the guard was squirming too vigorously.

  “Man the lifeboats!” 99 cried.

  “What seems to be the problem?” Max asked.

  “I’m about to ram a lighthouse!”

  “99, that isn’t a lighthouse. That’s me. I’m flashing a light around, trying to unhypnotize that guard.”

  Again, Max attempted to shine the light in the guard’s eyes. But the guard simply would not hold still long enough. Finally, Max gave up.

  “We’re sunk, 99,” he said dismally.

  “Shhh! Don’t let my passengers hear you say that!”

  “They might as well know the worst. There is no possible way for us to survive. And it’s all the fault of that KAOS agent, V. T. Brattleboro. What a double-dealer! Although, I don’t know why I expected any more. A KAOS agent is the lowest form of life.”

  At that instant, the guard, who had been six feet tall, skinny and bareheaded, stopped giggling and squirming, became short, fat and topped by a derby hat, and leaned over the edge of the well and said indignantly, “Oh, yeah!”

  “V. T. Brattleboro!”

  “Come out from behind that ferry boat and say that!” the KAOS agent said threateningly. “I dare you!”

  “So it’s you, is it!” Max replied. “Mister Bad Guy in person! You just pull me out of this well and I’ll thrash you to within an inch of your lowest form of life!”

  “You and who else!” Brattleboro sneered.

  “Me and my ferry boat, that’s who!”

  Furious, Brattleboro grabbed the crank and began hoisting the bucket from the well. Max and 99 were tossed about. The moonlight, reflected in the hand mirror, flashed in 99’s eyes.

  “Max!” she cried suddenly. “Where am I?”

  “I couldn’t say exactly, 99. Somewhere between Staten Island and lower Manhattan, but that’s as much as I can tell you.”

  “Max, why, for heaven’s sake, would I be there?”

  “Because that’s where the Staten- 99, you are the Staten Island Ferry, aren’t you?”

  She stared at him. “The Staten Island Ferry! Max, I’m 99! Don’t you remember me? Did Guru Optimo hypnotize you?”

  “I’ll explain it later, 99,” Max replied. “Right now, I have to-”

  V. T. Brattleboro reached into the bucket, got Max by an arm, yanked, and hurled him across the dungeon, where he splattered against a stone wall, then dropped in a heap to the stone floor.

  “Call me a lowest form of life, will you!” Brattleboro said, outraged.

  Dazed, Max struggled to his feet. He shook his head, clearing his vision. “Not only are you a lowest form of life,” he responded, “but you are also unclean, irreverent, untrustworthy-”

  “Don’t try to win me over with compliments now,” Brattleboro snarled.

  “-and nasty to your mother!”

  Brattleboro charged.

  Max sidestepped and dropped him with a karate chop.

  Stunned, Brattleboro dragged himself slowly to his knees.

  “Max, we’re supposed to be working together,” 99 said. “Why are you two fighting?”

  “Because our friend almost fed us to the crocodiles.”

  “I don’t remember that, Max. When did it happen?”

  “While you were the Staten Island Ferry, 99.”

  “Max! Are you going to start that again! I have never been the Staten Island Ferry!”

  “Ed Sullivan is going to be very unhappy to hear that, 99.”

  Brattleboro had regained his feet.

  “Max! Watch out!” 99 cried.

  Max and Brattleboro hit each other with karate chops at the same instant. They dropped to the floor together and lay side by side, unconscious.

  99 shook them. “Max. . Brattleboro. . get up!”

  Max opened his eyes. “Well, I lost fairly, anyway,” he said. “That’s something.”

  Brattleboro opened his eyes. “Well, I lost unfairly, anyway,” he said. “That’s something.”

  “It was a draw,” 99 informed them. “You both lost.”

  Max and Brattleboro jumped to their feet and raised their hands to karate chop each other again.

  “Stop it!” 99 said. “You’re acting like children!”

  “He started it,” Max pouted. “The first thing he did when we landed on the island was try to kill us!”

  “A little joke-all in fun,” Brattleboro said. “How did I know you’d misunderstand. I wouldn’t have done it if I’d known you were going to shoot back at me with a machine gun.”

  “All right, your apology is accepted,” Max replied. “But what about when you were dropping us into that well in that bucket.”

  “I don’t remember that, Max,” 99 said.

  “It didn’t happen. He made it up,” Brattleboro said to her.

  “Max, you shouldn’t make up stories,” 99 said.

  “Stories? 99, I remember clearly that-” He interrupted himself, looking puzzledly at Brattleboro. “Why aren’t you squirming and giggling any more?” he said. “I saw Guru Optimo zop you with a spell.”

  “While he was zopping me with a spell, I was zopping him with a spell,” Brattleboro explained.

  “I don’t think I quite understand that.”

  “Well, as he hypnotized me into thinking I was ticklish, I hypnotized him into thinking that he had hypnotized me into thinking I was ticklish. But, actually, his zop was canceled out by my zop. So, although I had hypnotized him into thinking he had hypnotized me into thinking I was ticklish, actually, I wasn’t hypnotized at all-he was. Clear?”

  “No. But forget it. Let’s go back to where you were dropping us into the well. That was your second attempt to try to k
ill us.”

  “Only teasing,” Brattleboro said. “I would have pulled you out.”

  “You pulled us out only because you were angry about me calling you a lowest form of life.”

  “Just a minute, Max,” 99 said. “Why don’t I remember any of this?”

  Max explained. He told her everything that had happened since Guru Optimo had hypnotized her.

  “Well. . I still don’t remember it,” she said.

  “But you believe me, don’t you?”

  “Yes, Max, of course. That is, all except the part about me being the Staten Island Ferry. That’s preposterous.”

  “I agree,” Brattleboro said. “You shouldn’t make up stories, Max.”

  Max raised his hand to deliver a karate chop.

  “No, Max!” 99 intervened.

  “All right,” Max said grudgingly. “I’m willing to forget everything that’s happened up ’til now and declare a truce. But he’ll have to stop trying to kill us.”

  “Do you agree?” 99 said to Brattleboro.

  “I agree-Max is willing to forget everything that’s happened up ’til now.”

  “And the rest, too.”

  “Okay-and he’ll have to stop trying to kill us.”

  “No,” 99 said, “you’ll have to stop trying to kill us.

  “I promise-for what it’s worth,” Brattleboro replied.

  “Say ‘We’ll all be friends and we’ll work together,’ ” 99 insisted.

  Brattleboro put a hand behind his back and crossed his fingers. “We’ll all be friends and we’ll work together,” he said.

  “Now, you, Max.”

  Max put a hand behind his back and crossed his fingers, “Ditto,” he said.

  “Good,” 99 beamed. “Now, what next?”

  Max pointed to Brattleboro. “I think we better bind him and gag him and hide him somewhere before he double-crosses us again,” he said.

  “Max!”

  “That wouldn’t be very smart,” Brattleboro said. “I couldn’t tell you my plan if I were gagged.”

  Max eyed him suspiciously. “What plan?”

  “Well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this case,” Brattleboro replied, “and this is the way it looks to me. I think the real danger is not Guru Optimo, but Lucky Bucky Buckley. When Guru Optimo is alone, he’s probably harmless. It’s Buckley’s influence over him that makes him a threat to civilization as we know it. Right?”