Missed It By That Much! gs-5 Read online

  Missed It By That Much!

  ( Get Smart - 5 )

  William Johnston

  William Johnston

  Missed It By That Much!

  1

  Max Smart, known to Control, the secret organization for good, as Agent 86, marched briskly up to the secret entrance to Control Headquarters, entered, then strode snappily down a long corridor. Huge iron doors opened before him as he approached, then clanged closed behind him. At the end of the corridor he reached a telephone booth. Stepping into it, Max closed the folding door, then started to dial. At that exact moment, the telephone rang.

  Max peered at the telephone puzzledly. “You’re a dummy telephone,” he said to the instrument. “You’re not supposed to ring.”

  The telephone jangled again.

  Max shrugged, then picked up the receiver.

  Max: Max Smart, Agent 86, here.

  Voice (male): Let me speak to Hazel, please.

  Max: You have the wrong number. There’s no Hazel here. And, besides that, this is a dummy telephone.

  Voice: Then let me talk to the dummy.

  Max: You don’t understand. This telephone doesn’t work. Actually, it isn’t a telephone at all. It’s a gadget that triggers a trap door. When I dial a certain number, the trap door opens and drops me into the basement.

  Voice: And you do it? Knowing the trap door is going to open and drop you into the basement? I guess that’s why it’s called a dummy telephone. Only a dummy would-

  Max hung up.

  He waited a moment, then took the receiver from the hook again and began dialing the secret number. He dialed one digit, then another, then another, then another, then placed the receiver back in the holder. The trap door sprang open. But, unfortunately, Max’s index finger was caught in one of the holes of the dial. He dangled over the opening.

  Chagrined, Max sighed disgustedly. Then, still dangling by a finger, he reached down with his free hand and removed his shoe telephone from his foot. Holding the shoe in his teeth, he dialed a number, then put the shoe to his ear.

  Chief: Control Headquarters. The Chief speaking.

  Max: This is Max, Chief. I thought I’d better call. I’m going to be delayed a few minutes.

  Chief (gruffly): Max, this happens every time I call you in for an assignment. What’s the problem this time? Where are you?

  Max: If it’s all the same to you, Chief, I’d just as soon not say. Frankly, it’s a little embarrassing.

  Operator: He probably tied his shoelaces together again, Chief.

  Max (indignantly): I did not! And I’ll thank you to stay out of this, Operator.

  Chief (worried now): Max, are you in trouble? Has KAOS taken you prisoner? Are you being tortured? Is that it?

  Operator: I’ll bet he was taking a shower and he got his big toe caught in the drain.

  Max: You’re both wrong. Chief, just give me a few minutes, will you? I do have a little problem. But I’m sure I can work it out. Start the meeting without me. I’ll be along in a while.

  Chief: Max, the purpose of the meeting is to assign you to a mission-how can I start that without you? If you’re in trouble, tell me where you are. I’ll send someone to help you.

  Max: Oh, all right, if it’s that urgent. I’m here in the building. In the telephone booth. At least, part of me is in the booth. The other part of me is in the basement. I got my finger caught in the dial, and I’m dangling.

  Operator: I knew it! What a knucklehead!

  Chief: Hold on, Max. I’m sending Agent 99 to get you down.

  Operator: Don’t do it, Chief. Let him dangle. If you get him down, he’ll just get in trouble again. You know what you need? A new agent. Now, my brother-in-law, Arnold-

  Max hung up, silencing the operator.

  Approximately a quarter of an hour later, Max entered the Chief’s office, followed by the beautiful, dark-haired Agent 99, who was carrying a ladder. The Chief was in conversation with someone on the telephone. He motioned for Max and 99 to be seated. Max settled in the chair that faced the Chief’s desk. And 99, after standing the ladder against a wall, perched on a corner of the desk.

  “I’ll take your word for it, your brother-in-law, Arnold, probably wouldn’t ever get his finger caught in a telephone dial,” the Chief said into the receiver, “but it takes more than that to be a secret agent.”

  “Right. It takes know-how,” Max nodded.

  “No, I’m sure your brother-in-law, Arnold, hasn’t ever tied his shoelaces together, either,” the Chief said. “However. . Well, look, do this: have your brother-in-law come in and fill out an application. I’ll give it every consideration.”

  The Chief placed the receiver in the cradle.

  “Chief, you’re not really thinking about replacing me with the operator’s brother-in-law, Arnold, are you?” Max said, hurt.

  “Of course not, Max. There’s no time for it. This assignment I have for you is urgent.”

  “No one could ever take your place, Max,” 99 said. “At least, not with me.”

  Max leaned forward. “How about with you, Chief?” he said, a bit anxiously.

  “Well, I will say this,” the Chief replied, “there has never been, and I’m sure there will never be, an agent like you, Max. Now, can we get down to business?”

  “Yes, let’s,” 99 said. “What is the assignment, Chief?”

  The Chief tipped back in his chair, looking solemn. “First, let me fill you in on the background,” he said. “A few weeks ago an incident occurred in a small English village that, at the time, seemed completely unimportant.”

  “That sounds like it would be right down Arnold’s alley,” Max said, pouting.

  “Max-will you forget about Arnold? Your job is safe. If I tried to fire you, I’d have your union on my neck. And I just don’t have time for that sort of thing. Now then, as I was saying-”

  “Is that your reason? Because you don’t want trouble with the union?” Max interrupted, his lower lip trembling. “If it is, just say the word.”

  “And you’ll do what, Max? Resign from the union?”

  “No, I’ll pay up my back dues.”

  “Chief, what was it that happened in that little English village that seemed completely unimportant?” 99 said.

  “The town was suddenly permeated by a terrible odor,” the Chief replied. “The odor filled every nook and cranny in the village. It was everywhere. The people panicked. And within minutes the whole town was cleared. It looked like a ghost town.”

  “And you call a thing like that unimportant?” Max said. “Those people are homeless, Chief. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Or have you become so insensitive that the suffering and anguish of your nearest and dearest friend means absolutely nothing to you?”

  The Chief stared at him, baffled. “My nearest and dearest friend? Max, I don’t know a soul in that village.”

  “I’m talking about me,” Max replied. “This idea of yours to replace me with the operator’s brother-in-law, Arnold, has cut me deeply. How can you be so heartless?”

  The Chief’s eyes rolled ceilingward. He groaned.

  “Go on, Chief,” 99 urged. “Max didn’t mean it.”

  “Well, in time,” the Chief went on, “the wind shifted and the terrible odor drifted away. The people returned to the village. And, when they traced the odor, it led them to the house of a Dr. Livingstrom, a scientist.”

  “What caused the odor?” 99 said. “What did they find?”

  “I’ll tell you what they found,” Max said. “They found a message scratched on the wall. It said: Arnold was here. There’s the explanation for your terrible odor.”

  The Chief shook his head. “They did find a message,
however-in a sense,” he said. “It was a scribbled notation. They found it in Dr. Livingstrom’s laboratory. It said: Brassica Oleracia-212°.”

  99 looked at Max. Max looked at 99. Then they both turned back to the Chief.

  “Brassica Oleracia-212°?” 99 said puzzledly. “What does it mean?”

  “Nobody knows,” the Chief replied. “We think it may be a formula. But we’re not positive. It’s possible that it’s in code. Our cryptographers have been working on it, but, so far, they haven’t come up with anything.”

  “I have an idea,” Max said.

  “Yes, Max?”

  “Let’s ask this Dr. Livingstrom what it means,” Max said. “After all, if it was found in his laboratory, he probably wrote it. And if he wrote it, it follows then that he knows what it means. You see, Chief? Every problem has a solution. I just wonder if you’ll get that kind of thinking from this Arnold fellow.”

  “Max. . Dr. Livingstrom has disappeared.”

  “Oh.”

  “Chief,” 99 said, “you told us that when this incident occurred it seemed completely unimportant. But, since you’re telling us about it, and in such great detail, you must have decided since then that it is important. Is that right?”

  The Chief tipped back in his chair again, scowling thoughtfully. “Let’s suppose for a moment,” he said. “Let’s suppose that this notation we found-this Brassica Oleracia-212°-is the formula for the gas, or whatever it is, that exuded that horrible odor. And let’s suppose that this gas, or whatever it is, fell into the wrong hands. What would happen?”

  “Somebody would have a pair of pretty stinky hands,” Max said.

  “Yes, I see what you mean,” 99 frowned. “You mean, suppose KAOS got hold of it. That would be tragic.”

  “Worse than that,” the Chief said. “I can just imagine how KAOS would use it. They could release the gas, or whatever it is, here at our headquarters, then, when we all fled, they could slip in, using gas masks, and go through our files. They could photograph our code books, our secret documents.”

  “Then, eventually, when we returned, we wouldn’t even know what had happened,” 99 said.

  “I would know,” Max said.

  “How, Max?”

  “I just heard the Chief tell about it. Stay alert, 99. You miss a lot if you don’t keep your ears open.”

  “Yes, Max.”

  “I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about, though,” Max said. “After all, how could KAOS know about this gas, or whatever it is?”

  “KAOS does know about it,” the Chief said. “While the Control agent who brought it to my attention was telling me about it, we were overheard by a KAOS agent who was posing as a cleaning woman.”

  “How do you know that, Chief?” Max said.

  “Because when the KAOS agent who was posing as a cleaning woman brought it to the attention of his chief at KAOS he was overheard by one of our agents who was posing as a cleaning woman at KAOS headquarters.”

  “What a dirty trick,” Max said, incensed.

  “It’s unfortunate, to say the least,” the Chief agreed. “Because KAOS has already dispatched an agent to find Dr. Livingstrom and get the secret of the formula from him.”

  “Does he know where to look?” 99 said.

  “He knows as much as we know, but probably no more,” the Chief replied.

  “That’s a break,” Max said. “That makes us even-Steven on information, but, with me on the case, a step ahead on know-how. Who is this KAOS agent, Chief? Do we know?”

  “His name is Whitestone.”

  “Whitestone? Is that all? No first name? I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of him.”

  “Whitestone is his stage name,” the Chief explained. “He used to be in vaudeville-a magician. The description I have of him is that he’s tall, white-haired and very distinguished-looking. ”

  “He should be easy to spot,” Max said. “Tall, white-haired, distinguished-looking, and pulling a rabbit out of a hat.”

  “He’s new at KAOS,” the Chief said. “But don’t underestimate him, Max. I understand that he’s a master illusionist.”

  “Chief, it so happens that I happen to be a master illusionist myself. I’ll match my master illusioning against anybody’s master illusioning. In fact. . Incidentally, what is a master illusionist?”

  “Max, that means he can make you see things that aren’t really there,” 99 explained.

  “He can also make things that are there look different than they really are,” the Chief said. “For instance, he could make a silk purse look like a sow’s ear.”

  “That must explain why he went to work for KAOS,” Max said. “There probably isn’t much call for a man who turns silk purses into sow’s ears. In fact, turned loose in a department store, he could probably start quite a ruckus.”

  “Chief, do we know where to look for this Dr. Livingstrom?” 99 said.

  “We have a fair notion,” the Chief replied. “Dr. Livingstrom is somewhere in Africa-we think. You see, he’s a man of means. He inherited a great deal of money, and he’s able to come and go as he pleases. He could be anywhere. But all the clues lead us to Africa.”

  “What clues?” 99 asked.

  “Dr. Livingstrom has a hobby,” the Chief replied. “He invents fancy foods. For example, Broccoli Livingstrom is an invention of his. That’s broccoli stuffed with cornflakes and served with a rutabaga sauce.”

  99 made a face. “How could anybody ever come up with a recipe like that?”

  “He probably got it from Arnold,” Max said sourly.

  “Be that as it may,” the Chief went on, “we began checking all the restaurants that serve food like that, hoping to pick up Dr. Livingstrom’s trail. And, we were more or less successful. We trailed him all across Europe, and then to Africa. He was last seen in Ghirzy.”

  “Ghirzy?” Max said.

  “That’s a country in Africa, Max,” 99 explained. She turned back to the Chief. “Although, it’s not called that any more, is it?”

  “You’re right,” the Chief nodded. “Ghirzy recently became independent. It’s now called New Ghirzy.”

  “Where exactly in New Ghirzy was Dr. Livingstrom spotted?” Max said.

  “In the capital city, Pahzayk.”

  Max nodded, making mental note of the name. “Pahzayk, New Ghirzy-got it.”

  “It’s a rough, tough water-front town,” the Chief said. “But there’s an airport. I have tickets for you. You’ll be leaving on a jet in-” He glanced at his watch. “-in an hour from now.”

  “Let me get this straight,” Max said. “Our mission is to go to Darkest Africa and locate Dr. Livingstrom-right? And when we find him, we’re to get him to give us the formula for this gas, or whatever it is, that creates this terrible odor-right?”

  “That’s right, Max.”

  “And, on the way, and as we carry out the mission, we’re to watch out for this KAOS agent, Whitestone, who is a master illusionist-right?”

  “Correct.”

  “Now, then, I have just one more question.”

  “Yes, Max?”

  “Chief, you wouldn’t really replace me with the operator’s brother-in-law, Arnold, while I’m gone, would you?”

  “Max, for heaven’s sake, you have a dangerous and important mission to perform,” the Chief said, annoyed. “Think what could happen if KAOS got hold of that gas-or whatever it is! It would be disastrous. The forces of evil would have the upper hand! With all that’s at stake, how can you worry about a little thing like Arnold!”

  “Sorry, Chief,” Max said, crestfallen. “I promise. I won’t let Arnold enter my mind again.”

  “That’s better. Now, you better get going.”

  “Right!” Max snapped. He turned to 99. “Let’s get going, Arnold!”

  “Max. .” 99 said woefully.

  The Chief handed Max a small envelope. “Here are your tickets,” he said. “Just don’t miss the plane. Oh, and one other thing: Research amp; Development h
as some new gadgets. It wants you to take some of them along and experience test them on this mission. So, stop in there before you leave.”

  “Your wish is my command, Chief,” Max said, heading toward the door. “Which is a lot more than you’d ever get from that trouble-maker Arnold, I’ll wager.”

  The Chief and 99 exchanged looks of resignation, then 99 trotted after Max.

  When Max and 99 reached Research amp; Development they were greeted enthusiastically by the scientist in charge, Dr. Hyde. “We have a whole carload of new gadgets for you to experience test,” he said. “I have them right here in my pocket.”

  “A whole carload? In your pocket?”

  “Miniaturization,” Dr. Hyde explained. “It’s the latest wrinkle in scientific development. Everything is reduced to the smallest possible size.” He withdrew a capsule about the size of a tube of lipstick from his pocket. “What would you say this contains? Guess?”

  “A twenty-mule team?” Max speculated.

  “Nope. Just watch.”

  Dr. Hyde pressed a button at the bottom of the capsule. A lipstick popped out.

  “Oops!” he said. “Wrong capsule. That belongs to my wife.” He got another capsule from his pocket. “Guess again.”

  “Twelve thousand gallons of liquid plastic,” Max said.

  Dr. Hyde looked woebegone. “You peeked!” he charged.

  “Honest Injun, I didn’t,” Max protested. “It was just a lucky guess.”

  “Well. . all right,” Dr. Hyde said doubtfully. He handed the capsule to Max. “Take it with you. And use it if you get the chance.”

  “Isn’t it pretty unlikely that I’ll run into a situation where I’ll need twelve thousand gallons of liquid plastic?” Max said.

  “I can think of an instance,” Dr. Hyde replied. “That plastic is kept in that tube under tremendous pressure, you know. And when it’s released and it’s exposed to air it hardens. So it might come in handy.”

  “How so?”

  “Well, suppose you got your finger caught in a telephone dial. And you were dangling over an open trap door. You could aim the spray downward, spray out enough plastic to form a mountain-a small mountain, of course-then, standing on the mountain, release your finger, and, free, climb down the mountain.”