And Loving It! gs-6 Read online

  “Building a trap to catch a squirrel?”

  “No, no, putting something together. It was a tricycle.”

  “Oh, yes, I remember. Your car was in the garage, wasn’t it?”

  “99, it wasn’t a tricycle for me,” Max said. “It was supposed to be a gift for my nephew. But you know how you get things these days, all in parts, and you have to put them together yourself. Well, I was assembling this tricycle-just as I’m assembling this trap, now. Except that this is child’s play compared to that. Have you ever seen the instructions for assembling a tricycle, 99? It’s very complicated. They tell you to connect Part A to Part B, but then, in a very sneaky way, they tell you that Part A won’t connect to Part B until after you’ve connected Part F to Part M, which first have to be linked to Part Z.”

  “That doesn’t sound so difficult, Max.”

  “Part M looked exactly like Part Y.”

  “Oh. Well, I can see how that-”

  “Ouch!”

  “What happened, Max?”

  “Nothing. I just gouged myself in the hand with Part Z.”

  “Part Z?”

  “This branch.”

  “Oh.”

  “Putting that tricycle together taught me a good lesson, 99. After I lost my temper and threw Parts A through L into the incinerator and Parts M through Z into the garbage disposal, I realized that there’s never much to be gained by losing your head.”

  “What made you decide that, Max?”

  “Well, I had to go out and buy another tricycle and try to put it together. And a few minutes later I was back at the incinerator and the garbage disposal with the second set of Parts A through L and M through Z.”

  “How’s the trap coming, Max?”

  “Fine. Yes, 99, that experience taught me- Oh-oh.”

  “What now, Max?”

  “I tied my thumb to Part B.”

  “Max, forget about the trap. We’ll eat berries.”

  “99, I am not going to let a simple thing like a trap defeat me. I learned my lesson last Christmas Eve. If you keep your head-”

  “Max? What is it?”

  Silence.

  “Max?”

  “I think it would be better for all concerned, 99, if you didn’t babble at me while I’m trying to construct a very complicated- Drat!”

  “Max-don’t lose your head!”

  “I can’t find Part D!”

  “Max-”

  “Where is the incinerator around here!” Max shouted, jumping up.

  “Max, remember the lesson you learned!”

  “I remember!” he raged. “This is it!”

  He threw the trap to the ground and stomped on it, smashing the lengths of branches to twigs.

  “Max, you lost your head,” 99 said sadly.

  “Maybe so, 99. But I kept my sanity. In a world that expects a man to assemble a tricycle by himself, if he has any brains, he’ll lose his head.”

  “Could you phrase that another way, Max?”

  “Yes. Pass the berries.”

  Nothing was said while Max and 99 munched on the berries. Max fumed silently, and 99 watched him hopefully. Finally, when the last berry was gone, he spoke again.

  “I’m still hungry,” he said.

  “Shall I gather some more berries, Max?”

  “I think I’d rather starve than eat another berry, 99. Our only chance, as I see it, is to find that castle. There will be food there.”

  99 looked around. “It would be like finding a needle in a haystack.”

  “Harder.”

  “Harder?”

  “If you sit down in a haystack often enough the law of averages will find the needle for you eventually. But sitting in this jungle won’t help us a bit.”

  “Should we just strike out and hope for the best, Max?”

  “We’ve already struck out, 99. Let’s try walking.”

  They plunged into the jungle again, following the stream as before. Hours passed, but they found nothing that resembled a castle. The jungle was steamy hot. The vines lashed at their faces and the thickets tore at their clothes. Weak from hunger, they stumbled on.

  “Max. . I can’t go on. .” 99 whimpered.

  “Courage, 99. Remember, it’s always darkest just before the dawn.”

  “Max, it’s the middle of the day and the sun is burning down on us.”

  “99, don’t blame me if that old saying doesn’t make any sense. I didn’t make it up.”

  “Max. . I have to rest. .”

  He stopped. “All right. We’ll stay here until it gets dark. It will be easier to travel when the sun goes down.”

  They collapsed on the ground. And seconds later they were both sound asleep.

  Max was the first one to awaken. He shook 99. “99, we can go on, now.”

  She opened her eyes. “Max!” she cried. “Where are you? I’ve gone blind from hunger!”

  “You can’t go blind from hunger, 99.”

  “I can’t see you!”

  “It’s night.”

  “Oh.”

  “Can you walk, 99?”

  “I think so.” She got to her feet. “Yes, that rest helped me a lot. Let’s go, Max.”

  Once more, they proceeded. Then Max suddenly halted. He pushed aside a vine and peered into the darkness ahead. “99!” he said. “We’ve found- Oh, no, that’s not it.”

  “What, Max?”

  “I thought there for a second that we’d found the castle.”

  “I can’t see-what is it?”

  “Well, it certainly looks like the castle. But it couldn’t be.”

  “Why not, Max?”

  “Well, it isn’t white, and it doesn’t have a trunk.”

  “Oh. . Max. .” 99 groaned weakly.

  3

  99 pushed the vine aside and peered into the dimness. “Max, it is the castle,” she said. “See the towers? And, look, there’s a light in a window. This is it, Max! This is the castle we’ve been looking for!”

  “All right, 99, I’ll take your word for it. You know more about white elephants than I do. If you say they have towers and lights in the window, then- 99! Down!”

  They sank into the underbrush. A moment later, a man in uniform marched past their hiding place. He was staring straight ahead, a vacant expression on his face.

  “Max, did you see that?” 99 said, puzzled, raising up. “What a strange look.”

  “It was almost no look at all,” Max said.

  “He seemed to be under some kind of spell.”

  “Maybe he just came from a movie,” Max suggested. “I sometimes look like that myself right after I step out of a dark movie theater into the light.”

  “Max, it’s dark out here.”

  “It was only a theory, 99. Not every theory- 99! Down!”

  Again, they ducked down into the thickets. Another man in uniform strode past. This one had the same empty look on his face.

  “Max-”

  “Shhhh, 99.”

  They moved back into the jungle where they could talk without being overheard.

  “Max, those are guards,” 99 said. “They seem to be patrolling the grounds. How will we ever get into the castle?”

  “I don’t think that’s going to be any problem at all, 99. Remember what you said about them looking as if they’re under a spell?”

  “Yes?”

  “Well, 99, this may come as a surprise to you, but I think those guards are under a spell. I think Guru Optimo has hypnotized them. Unless I miss my guess, we could march a brass band up to that castle and the guards would pay absolutely no attention to it.”

  “But, Max, what good are they, then?”

  “They’re for show, 99. Who would guess that they’re hypnotized? Only someone like myself with a very keen instinct for what is right and wrong. The instant you mentioned that those guards looked like they were under a spell, I said to myself, ‘Max-those guards are under a spell!’ But not many would notice that. And they’d stay away from the
castle, thinking it was heavily guarded.”

  “Max. . I don’t know. .”

  “Believe me, 99. I can sense these things. All we have to do is wait for one guard to pass, then walk right up to the castle before the next guard arrives.”

  “Then why aren’t we doing it, Max? Why are we still hiding?”

  “Because we can’t just walk into that castle anywhere. We have to pick exactly the right doorway.”

  “The doorway that will take us straight to Guru Optimo and Lucky Bucky Buckley, you mean? How can-”

  “No, 99, the doorway that will take us straight to the kitchen. I’m starved.”

  They crept back to the edge of the clearing. As they crouched in the underbrush again, a guard passed. Max looked at his watch. Then another guard passed.

  “Three minutes between guards,” Max reported. “That will give us plenty of time.”

  Another guard passed.

  Max looked at his watch once more, then, a few seconds later, he said, “Now!”

  They scrambled from the thickets and started quietly across the grounds toward the castle.

  “Halt!” a voice shouted.

  “99, was that you?” Max asked.

  “No, Max.”

  “And it wasn’t me,” he said. “So apparently-”

  At that instant they were smothered under a pile-up of guards.

  “Do you still think you could march a brass band up to the castle, Max?” 99 asked.

  “99, if you were any kind of a pal, you’d pretend that I’d planned this this way and you’d be congratulating me.”

  One by one, the guards peeled themselves from the pile. Then two of the guards pulled Max and 99 to their feet.

  The head guard, his expression as vacant as ever, addressed them in a mechanical-sounding voice. “I-am-a-guard. You-are-intruders. See-the-guards-capture-the-intruders.”

  “Yes, well, that’s very interesting,” Max said. “But-”

  “The-guards-have-guns,” the head guard continued. “Do-the-intruders-have-guns?”

  One of the other guards frisked Max, then took his pistol from him. Another guard took 99’s gun from her purse.

  “The-intruders-do-not-have-guns,” the head guard said. “Oh-oh-what-will-they-do? Will-they-march-to-the-castle-as-the-guards-tell-them-to? Or-will-they-try-to-escape-and-get-clobbered?”

  “Ah. . I think we’ll march to the castle,” Max replied.

  “See-the-intruders-march-to-the-castle,” the guard said. “One-of-the-intruders-is-pigeon-toed.”

  Max and 99, with the guards tramping behind them, reached the castle and entered. It had high, ornamented ceilings. The stone walls were hung with battle gear, swords and shields and lances, and portraits of noblemen in medieval dress.

  “Isn’t it magnificent, Max!” 99 said breathlessly.

  “Isn’t what magnificent, 99?”

  “The castle.”

  “Oh. I hadn’t noticed. I was watching how you walk. That guard is wrong, 99-you’re not pigeon-toed.”

  “I don’t think he was referring to me, Max.”

  “See-the-intruders-march-straight-ahead-to-the-great-hall,” the head guard said. “See-the-pigeon-toed-intruder-turn-red-in-the-face.”

  “Yes, and see the head guard get a fistful of knuckles right in the mush if he doesn’t knock off the cracks!” Max snapped.

  They reached a pair of huge, hand-carved double doors and one of the guards pushed them open. A large chamber was revealed. Gigantic crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling. Here, too, on the walls, were medieval weapons. And in the center of the hall was a long dining table. Seated at the table were a short, fat man, wearing a checkered suit, a pink-and-white striped shirt, and brown-and-white shoes, and a younger man, who was tall and thin and who was dressed in a loin cloth and a turban.

  The guards marched Max and 99 to the table.

  “See-the-intruders,” the head guard announced. “The-guards-have-captured-the-intruders. The-guards-are-good-guards.”

  The young man in the loin cloth made a gesture and the guards backed away.

  The older man looked at Max and 99 curiously, then broke into a smile. “Hiya, boobies!” he said. “What’s the deal?”

  “We refuse to answer,” Max replied. “All we have to tell you is our name and our number. I’m Max Smart and my number is 86. That’s all you’ll get from me.” He leaned forward, peering at the meat on the platter in the center of the table. “Is that roast beef cooked in a vinegar wine, by any chance?”

  “Ain’t you gonna introduce me to the skirt?” the fat man asked.

  “The skirt?”

  “He means me, Max,” 99 explained. She addressed the fat man. “I’m 99 and my number is 99,” she said. “That’s all you’ll get from me too.”

  “Gladdaknowya,” he replied. “Me, I’m Lucky Bucky Buckley.”

  “Aren’t you going to introduce us to the loin cloth?” Max said.

  “Oh. . yeah. This squirrel over here in the hip hanky and bath towel is Guru Optimo. He’s my act. I’m his agent. Now, to repeat the previous question-what’s the deal? What’re you two boobies doin’ on the island? This is private property, which I rented for the duration.”

  “Is that asparagus in that dish?” Max pointed.

  “I ain’t fingerin’ no vegetable ’til I get some answers,” Lucky Bucky replied. “But, after I get some answers, who’s to say maybe I wouldn’t invite a couple wayfarin’ strangers to sup and dine with me?”

  Max’s eyes narrowed. “Are you trying to tempt me with a stalk of asparagus? If you are, you’re wasting your time. You could offer me a full meal and I still wouldn’t tell you that we’re secret agents, working out of Control.”

  “Max!” 99 said admonishingly. “You told him!”

  “Oh.”

  “It ain’t no surprise to me,” Lucky Bucky said. “I been expectin’ somebody from your outfit. Guru Baby told me about you guys. He told me about them other guys, that KAOS outfit, too. That’s how come I posted the guards.”

  “Well, since you wormed the secret out of me,” Max said, “maybe I will let you tempt me with some of that asparagus.”

  “Be my guests,” Lucky Bucky said expansively. “Park the bodies. Dig in.”

  Max and 99 scrambled for chairs, then, seated, filled their plates and began eating ravenously.

  “This is delicious!” Max said. “It certainly is broadminded of you to feed us like this when you consider that we’re here to take your act away from you.”

  “It’s traditional in my family,” Lucky Bucky replied. “We always see that the condemned man gets to eat good. What kind of people would we be if we sent an enemy to his death on an empty stomach?”

  Max stopped eating. “Are you hinting at something?”

  “I’ll tell you later,” Lucky Bucky said. “I don’t want to spoil your dinner.” He passed the platter of roast beef to Max. “Have another helping. Enjoy. I’ll tell you the truth, I’m glad you finally got here. I needed somebody intelligent to talk to. Guru Baby is a great talent, but, like all talent-he should be seen and not heard. I’ll give you an example.” He turned to Guru Optimo. “Well, Guru Baby, what do you think of the international situation these days?” he said.

  Guru Optimo grinned foolishly. “What happened in that hotel in Boston, Willy?” he answered.

  “See?” Lucky Bucky sighed. “That’s all the American language he knows-some lines he picked up from some movies. He understands it, but he don’t talk it.”

  “That’s very interesting,” Max said. “Do you mind if I try it?”

  Lucky Bucky shrugged. “Why not?”

  Max spoke to Guru Optimo. “How do you like living in a castle?” he said. “I suppose it’s quite different from what you’re used to.”

  Guru Optimo beamed. “We got to get these critters to Abilene ’fore they freeze to death in this blizzard,” he replied.

  “Well, ask a silly question, get a silly answer,” Max said.


  “I’ve been listening to silly answers like that for weeks,” Lucky Bucky said.

  “I think I can help you,” Max offered. “Turn Guru Optimo over to me, and I promise I’ll take him somewhere where you won’t ever have to listen to him again.”

  Lucky Bucky laughed. “I should be such a dumb-head? I’ve got the greatest act in the history of show business.” He winked at Guru Optimo. “Right, Guru Baby?”

  Guru Optimo smiled. “Good dog, Lassie!” he replied.

  “I’ll tell you the truth,” Lucky Bucky continued, “For the past couple of years, I should’ve been called by my real name, which is Unlucky Bucky Buckley. What-”

  “Your real name is Unlucky Bucky Buckley?” Max said.

  “It’s what I was born,” Lucky Bucky replied. “But when I was seven years old I won a bunny rabbit in a raffle. After that, everybody called me Lucky. Everybody, that is, except my old man. He couldn’t get used to the idea. So he kept calling me the same thing he’d always called me.”

  “Unlucky?”

  “Sidney.”

  “Oh.”

  “Like I was saying though, from now on, it’s nothing but roses. With Guru Baby as my act, I’m gonna make a comeback like nobody has never seen before. What an act!”

  “It will be a little unusual,” Max agreed.

  “Unusual? It’ll be smash! Who ever seen a tap dancer in a loin cloth and a towel before?”

  “That’s his act?” 99 said. “A tap dancer?”

  “Yeah. I’m teachin’ him. ’Course, that’s not the whole act. He’s got a little bit that he does at the end, when they call him back for an encore.”

  “What’s that?” Max asked.

  “He hypnotizes the audience and turns everybody into slaves.” He glowed. “Is that a smash finish or is that a smash finish?”

  “Well. . it’s, uh. . novel,” Max conceded. “But suppose he doesn’t get called back for an encore?”

  “Then he goes out and turns them into slaves anyway,” Lucky Bucky replied. “He’s a trouper.”

  “I see. . the show must go on,” Max nodded. “I have one other question: What’s the point of turning everybody in the audience into slaves?”

  “Well, I figure that with good weather and some luck with the train schedules we can play every theater in the world in about fifteen years. By then, we’ll be ready to retire. And what’ll we have to fall back on? We’ll have the whole world under our control.”