Get Smart 9 - Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair Read online

  The old prospector shook his head. “If there was a secret exit, I wouldn’t have found it,” he said. “Abe Shuster and Mabel Wamsutter would’ve blundered upon it by chance. And, the fact is, they didn’t.”

  “All right, that eliminates that possibility,” Max said. “Let’s try to think of something else.” He guestured. “In the meantime, you two continue inspecting the coins,” he said. “If I can’t think of an alternative, we’ll have to depend on trying to get a squad of Control agents to town to look for us.”

  “Trying?” the old prospector said. “The way you talked about it before, it sounded like a dead cinch.”

  “From now on, shall we not use that word?” Max asked.

  “Sorry,” the old prospector replied. “I’ve been away from civilization a long time, you know. I had no idea a word like ‘cinch’ had become offensive. I won’t say it again.”

  While 99 and the old prospector continued the hunt for the Coolidge-head penny, Max paced back and forth in the tunnel, trying to think of another and quicker way out. Once, he stopped and then charged the tunnel wall. But it did not give, and all he got out of the effort was a bruised shoulder. Another time, he stood under the shaft of light and stared upward and was heard to mutter something addressed to someone called the sacred god of Good Guydom. That attempt was even less successful than the other, however, since he didn’t even get a bruised shoulder out of it.

  “That’s it!” Max suddenly cried.

  “What, Max?” 99 asked, rising.

  “Something the old prospector said several hours ago,” Max replied. “He gave me the solution—I just didn’t realize it at the time!”

  “But what, Max?”

  “He said I couldn’t reach the crack in the floor even standing on a mule’s back!”

  “Yup, that’s what I said,” the old prospector agreed. “If it’s that much help to you, I’ll say it again. Why, you couldn’t reach that crack—”

  “Once was enough,” Max broke in. “Actually, that isn’t the solution. But it gave me the idea for the solution. It’s true that I couldn’t reach the crack by standing on a mule’s back. But, why couldn’t I reach the crack by standing on a mule’s back standing on a pile of pennies?”

  “Max . . . could you explain that?”

  “First, 99, we’ll position the mule under the crack,” Max explained. “Then we’ll pile the pennies on the mule’s back. And then I’ll stand on the pile of pennies.”

  “It won’t work, Max,” 99 told him. “Those pennies won’t stay on the mule’s—” She looked suddenly thoughtful. “But, what we could do,” she said, “is get the mule to stand on the pennies. That would raise the mule up. Then, standing on the mule’s back, you would be higher, too.”

  “Well, yes, I guess that would work—if you want to do it the hard way,” Max said. “All right, let’s get all these pennies together again in a big pile.”

  99 looked a little doubtful. “After all this sorting we’ve done, Max? What if we find out after we pile the pennies up and get the mule to stand on the pile that you still can’t reach the crack?”

  “That’s simple, 99. I don’t know why you can’t figure it out yourself. We’ll simply start sorting the pennies again.”

  “I know, Max, but—” She shrugged. “All right, we’ll do it your way.”

  Max, 99 and the old prospector began heaping the pennies into one huge pile. The project did not take long. But the pile was no help. Because it had been piled up several yards from the spot under the crack in the floor. They then spent a considerable amount of time moving the pile to where, theoretically, it would do some good.

  “Perfect!” Max announced when the pennies were piled beneath the crack. “Now, all we have to do is to get the mule to stand on it.” He addressed Madame DuBarry. “I just hope you understand how important your part in this is,” he said. “It’s my intention, you see, to stand on your back and reach up and remove those floor boards. Then, I can climb up into the saloon. And, once up there, I can reach down and pull 99 up. Is that clear?”

  “Hee-haw!”

  “Yes, it is true that I won’t be able to haul you up. But, then, you’re a ghost. All you have to do to get out of here is disappear here and reappear somewhere else. Not being a ghost, however, I don’t have that advantage. And that’s why it’s so important for you to stand on that pile of pennies. Now, you just climb up there, then I’ll climb up onto your back. If it seems too complicated to you, don’t think about it. Just do it.”

  “Hee-haw!”

  “I apologize,” Max said. “I’m sure you’re a very intelligent mule.”

  The mule snorted, then climbed to the top of the mound of pennies.

  “Max, it works!” 99 said, surprised.

  “I sort of resent that tone, 99,” Max said. “The mule didn’t doubt it for a minute.”

  Max climbed the pile of pennies, too. Then he got up on Madame DuBarry’s back. Balancing precariously, he stretched, trying to reach the crack in the floor above.

  “Max . . .” 99 said hopefully.

  Max sighed glumly. “I’m afraid not, 99,” he reported. “Just a few more inches and . . . no, I just can’t reach it.” He sat back down on the mule. “I guess it’s back to sorting pennies, 99,” he said apologetically.

  “Don’t get down yet,” the old prospector said. “Might be I can help. You sure you want to get out of here? It’s not too bad a life in this mine, you know. There’s hardly any traffic to speak of. And you never have to worry about accidentally falling into a mine—seeing as how you’re already in one.”

  “Don’t get the wrong idea—it sounds lovely,” Max said. “But we have a duty to perform. And the only way we can do it is by getting out of here. If you can help, please do.”

  “Okay. You asked for it.”

  The old prospector walked around behind Madame DuBarry and gave him a swift kick in the tail. The mule bucked, raring up, and tossed Max straight up through the floor. There was a splintering sound as the planks shattered. Then there was a loud thump. Then silence.

  “That elevator’ll give you a rough ride sometimes,” the old prospector commented.

  “Max!” 99 cried, calling up through the hole in the floor. “Max! Where are you? Are you all right?”

  Max’s face appeared at the rim of the hole. “I have a bruised shoulder all over, 99,” he said. “But I still appear to be in one piece.” He reached a hand down through the opening. “Get up on the mule,” he said, “and I’ll pull you out.”

  “Do you see the KAOS assassins anywhere around, Max?” 99 asked, climbing up onto Madame DuBarry’s back.

  “I haven’t looked yet,” Max replied. “But I don’t hear anything. In fact, it sounds ominously quiet up here.”

  “That’s the mice,” the old prospector said.

  “I haven’t seen any mice,” Max replied.

  “We haven’t got any. That’s what makes them so quiet.”

  “Oh.”

  99 stretched, reaching up, and Max got hold of her hand, then hauled her up out of the mine. When they were both in the saloon, then looked back down into the tunnel at the old prospector and Madame DuBarry.

  “Are you going to join us?” Max asked. “This will be the exciting part coming up. It’s where we good guys foil the bad guys. There’s usually a lot of action.”

  “ ’Bout time,” the old prospector said. “But . . . I guess I’ll just skip it. I’m not as young as I used to be. Too much excitement isn’t good for me.”

  “What, exactly, could happen to you?” Max asked. “After all, you’re already—”

  “Max . . . don’t ask personal questions,” 99 whispered. “Maybe he’s sensitive about being you-know-what.”

  “I don’t know why he should be,” Max said. “Nobody would even guess. He doesn’t look you-know-what.” He addressed the old prospector again. “This is probably good-bye, then,” he said. “We’re going to try to capture the KAOS assassins double-handed. Wi
thout the Coolidge-head penny, we have no way of communicating with the Chief. And, after we take them into custody, we’ll want to get them back to Washington as quickly as possible. That won’t leave any time for a formal farewell. So—”

  “Max! They’re gone!”

  “Yes. Disappeared,” Max nodded, rising. “Well, I don’t blame them. I guess you didn’t notice, 99, but I was sort of working up to a farewell speech. I figured if I wouldn’t have time later, then— But, fortunately, the old prospector saw what was coming and took appropriate action. Now, let’s you and I do the same thing.”

  Max and 99 hurried to the door of the saloon. Then, cautiously, they peered out. The dusty streets were deserted.

  “We’re in luck, 99,” Max whispered. “They’re probably all over at the hotel packing. Maybe we can take them by surprise.”

  “I hope so, Max.”

  They crept out of the saloon and carefully made their way toward the hotel, staying close to the buildings, moving slowly and warily, not wanting to make any unnecessary sound. A short time later, they reached the porch of the hotel. There, they stood silently by the doorway for a while, listening. But no sound came from within.

  “They’re all upstairs!” Max whispered.

  “Max . . . do you suppose—”

  “Shhhhh!”

  Max motioned, then entered the hotel lobby and crossed toward the stairs, with 99 following close behind. When they got to the steps, they halted once more. Max pressed a finger to his lips to warn 99 to be especially quiet. Then, carefully, step by step, they proceeded upward. Soon, they reached the second floor. After a brief pause to take in a deep breath and let it out, they moved on to the first room. With great care, Max opened the door and looked in. The room was empty. He closed the door and they proceeded to the second room. It was empty, too. So was the third room, and the fourth room, and the fifth room, and—

  “Max, all of the rooms are empty!” 99 said, ceasing to whisper. “They’ve gone!”

  “Let’s not jump to conclusions, 99,” Max said, looking uncomfortable. “Maybe they all just stepped out for a minute. They’re probably all at the corner newsstand. Or perhaps—”

  “Max, they’re gone!”

  “They could be having breakfast in the dining room, 99.”

  “But all the baggage is gone, Max. You mean they took their suitcases to breakfast.”

  “Maybe they’re late. Maybe they have to catch a train. Maybe—”

  From outside came the whistle of a train.

  Then a voice called out. “ ’Board! All Aboard!”

  “Max—the train!”

  “Hurry, 99!” Max shouted, racing toward the stairs. “That’s our ride back to Washington!”

  11.

  MAX AND 99 dashed from the hotel and ran up the street to the railroad station. Just as they reached it, they saw the conductor get aboard the train, then enter a car. Max and 99 jumped aboard, too. Max, with 99 right behind him, threw open the door of the car. Facing him, smiling cordially, was the conductor, who was pointing a pistol at him.

  “Sorry,” Max said briskly, “but I’ve got to keep up the momentum. If I slow down, I’ll miss the beat, and then I’ll have to start at the beginning again—dum, dum, de, dum, dum, dum!”

  On the final “dum,” Max swung his arm and delivered a karate chop to the wrist of the conductor. The gun clattered to the floor. As the conductor reached for it, Max dum, dum, de, dum, dum, dummed once more, and, at the same time, drove a knee into the conductor’s chest, flipping him over backwards. The conductor landed on his back—flat. From that position, he peered at Max Wearily, while Max picked up the pistol.

  “Sorry, again,” Max said.

  “Don’t apologize,” the conductor replied. “It was worth it to hear a great sound like that.” Then he collapsed, unconscious.

  “Where to now, Max?” 99 asked.

  “To find Arbuthnot,” Max answered, moving forward along the aisle, now in possession of the gun.

  “But, Max, it’s a long train,” 99 said, following him again. “And we don’t know where he is.”

  “Logic will take us to him, 99,” Max said. “We know he’s just concluded a grueling few days. This seminar has probably sapped every ounce of physical and mental energy he had. So, now, he’ll be resting. Or, as the railroad men say, lounging. Consequently, I’m fairly positive that we’ll find him in the lounge car.”

  “Max, I think you’re probably right. But . . . why are we going this way?”

  Max halted. “To the lounge car, 99. I just explained that. Remember the part about every sap being grueled after all— No, I mean about—”

  “Max, I know,” 99 broke in. “What I meant was, the lounge car is located in the other direction. You’re heading toward the engine.”

  “Logic only tells where, it doesn’t tell how to get there, 99,” Max said. Then he turned and led the way in the other direction. “Now, when we get there and find Arbuthnot relaxing alone in the lounge car,” Max said, “I’ll rush in and overpower him and—”

  “Max, you have a pistol now,” 99 pointed out.

  “Oh.” He looked at the gun in his hand. “Yes, that’s right, I do. All right, then, I’ll saunter in and get the drop on him. Then I’ll order him to summon all the other KAOS assassins, and we’ll keep them prisoner in the lounge car until we get back to Washington. How does that sound to you, 99?”

  “Who’ll drive the train, Max?”

  “The train driver.”

  “But he’s a KAOS agent, Max. Won’t he—”

  “All right, I’ll drive the train, 99. It couldn’t be too difficult. I mean, there are those tracks to follow. And the route is probably very well marked.”

  “But who will keep the KAOS assassins prisoner?”

  “You will, 99. I’ll give you the gun and you— Oh-oh, here we are, 99. This next car is the lounge car. Stay here—I’ll go peek in and make sure Arbuthnot is in there.” Leaving 99, Max crept forward. When he reached the door of the lounge car he opened it a crack and looked in. Then he closed it and returned to where 99 was waiting. “This is going better than I expected,” he said. “We won’t have to get Arbuthnot to summon all the KAOS assassins to the lounge car. They’re all in there now.”

  “Max! All of them? That’s an awful lot of KAOS assassins for just two of us to handle.”

  “99, don’t worry. We’ve got the momentum going. Just keep up the rhythm and we can’t fail. Now . . . ready? Dum, dum, de, dum, dum, dum!”

  Max and 99 advanced to the door of the lounge car. Max repeated the beat—dum, dum, de, dum, dum, dum—then he flung open the door and he and 99 rushed in, catching Arbuthnot completely by surprise.

  “Dum, dum, dum, de— Ooops! Uh, dum, de, dum— No, it goes, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum—”

  Max had lost the momentum.

  “Get ’em!” Arbuthnot commanded.

  A KAOS assassin threw a block at Max, hit him across the mid-section, and drove him all the way out the door and several cars back. Recovering, Max threw a block at the KAOS assassin, hitting him more-or-less in the mid-section (around the ankles) and driving him all the way back to the lounge car. When they arrived, Max saw that 99 had been overpowered. So, alone, he tackled the entire group of KAOS assassins.

  It was a short battle, however. Max raised an arm to karate chop Arbuthnot, hoping to gain a psychological advantage by putting the leader out of action. But at that same moment, hoping to gain an actual advantage, one of the KAOS assassins popped him on the back of the skull with the butt of a pistol, dropping him in the aisle. Surrendering to the logic of the situation, Max became immediately unconscious.

  A few moments later, when Max recovered, he saw Arbuthnot standing over him, holding a gun on him. Max thought fast. “Watch out! That’s the gun I had!” he shouted at Arbuthnot. “All my germs are crawling on it!”

  Arbuthnot stared at the pistol in horror for a second. Then he screeched and threw it into the air and ran
to the KAOS assassin who was in charge of the spray bottle. “Spray me! Spray me!” he ordered frantically.

  Max, meanwhile, leaped to his feet. He snatched the gun from the air. And by the time Arbuthnot had been disinfected, Max had taken charge, covering the KAOS assassins with the pistol.

  “Max, that was marvelous!” 99 cried delightedly, breaking away from the KAOS agent who had been holding her.

  “That’s very frank of you, 99,” Max replied. “Now, I’m sure these assassins have some tape or some rope around here somewhere. If you’ll just—”

  There was a hissing sound from the front end of the train. Then the whole string of cars was suddenly jolted. Max and 99 and the KAOS assassins were all thrown off balance. The gun that Max had managed to regain went flying. Max and 99 and all the KAOS assassins scrambled after it.

  “No! Don’t! Don’t touch it!” Arbuthnot screeched. “It’s full of germs!”

  They all drew back, leaving the pistol in the middle of the aisle.

  “Max, what are we doing?” 99 said. “We’re not afraid of germs!”

  By then, however, it was too late. The KAOS assassins had all drawn their own guns. And all of the guns were pointed at Max and 99.

  “I suppose you’re wondering where that jerk came from,” Arbuthnot said to Max and 99. “That was my engineer.”

  “He certainly is,” Max replied grumpily.

  “He was practicing,” Arbuthnot went on. “Fortunately—for us—he always starts off with a jerk.”

  “He certainly is,” Max said again.

  Arbuthnot addressed one of the other KAOS assassins. “I’ll have a disinfected gun,” he said.

  The assassin handed him a pistol.

  “And now,” Arbuthnot said, speaking to all the assassins, “I will show you the one assassination method that I did not mention during the seminar. Normally, I wouldn’t be caught dead using it. It’s too crude . . . too . . . too . . . uhhhhh! But, it does have two advantages—it’s simple and it’s quick.”

  “He’s talking about just walking up to the victim and shooting him between the eyes,” Max explained to the KAOS assassins. “He’s right—it’s crude. But, if done well, it can be fascinating to watch.” He turned to Arbuthnot. “You do it well, I suppose.”